“The best thing you can do is love her.”

Preface: My intentions for this post aren't to one-up Courtney because I could never do that. Her post about Addie was beautiful and I could never match her feelings. I felt that I needed to share my feelings on the matter with the hope they might help someone...maybe another selfish dad. :)

This simple advice uttered by my mother-in-law changed my perspective completely in dealing with Addie’s OCD and anxiety. One thing I admire most about my in-laws is their ability to love and support people no matter the situation.

When I heard her say this, I remember being at a very low point. Some nights things were tough getting Addie to bed. My lack of sleep fueled my anxiety and emotions, which in turn affected my sleep. It was cyclical and never-ending. Emotions rode high. Irrational thoughts entered my brain as I wondered what triggered this and why I couldn’t just fix it.

In retrospect, I realize my intentions to “help” her were motivated by selfishness. I didn’t want to admit that this was happening, and I didn’t want others to know. I felt that somewhere along the way I had failed her, Courtney, and myself. Dads are supposed to be Supermen. They can make things right. I couldn’t and that bothered me.

It’s hard to admit, but there was a sense of self-pity. Society makes you feel inadequate. After all, we watch reality shows that highlight others’ flaws and we view that as entertainment. I thought that I might be seen as that entertainment to others, and that worried me, and not for the right reasons.

I remember one night struggling with the fact that my five-year-old girl needed to talk to a therapist. To me that seemed wrong and I felt like I had failed and I might be the person others judged because of it. I was selfish. Courtney tried to ease my mind and put it into perspective by saying if she was sick we would take her to a doctor. It’s the same thing, just with her brain.

It was shortly thereafter my mother-in-law said what she did, and things started to change. Addie needed my love and attention more that I needed society’s acceptance and I was withholding it. I realized I couldn’t help her if I wasn’t showing her love, and I sensed she could feel that.

I started to see beyond my own nose and could see the worry in her eyes. This is a picture that was taken of her on Valentines Day and you can see the worry in her eyes and it was weighing her down.

What I learned during this period is that while I was trying to push her to be the “Old Addie” by doing the things she loved – play with friends, go to grandma’s house, etc. – I wasn’t doing this for her, but for me. I needed to embrace this and let her know SHE was going to be OK and that I was there for her -- not the other way around.

I shouldn’t have been, but I was amazed at the difference it made in her and me. She felt safe. She knew that I was there for her, and that my self pity was put aside to help ease her mind.

Patience returned and pride faded into the background. I started to have clarity about what battles I should actually care to win with her (something that I might blog about later). I was no longer worried about her being perfect, which is something I think we drive our kids towards too much.

My advice in dealing with this has been to shelf the selfishness and love them. It’s not their fault.

I guess the Beatles were right: All you need is love.